... Don't try to fix me, I'm not broken. Hello, I'm the lie living for you so you can hide..."
Hello by Evanescence.

I swear to God something is wrong with me. Really honest to God, wrong with me. For the last two weeks I've been exhausted. But strangely restless all at the same time. I get home from work, sit in the glide chair, but only stay there for maybe 40 minutes because I'm tired of moving and shifting in the seat trying to find a comfortable position. Then I move to the couch, curl up with some pillows and my fire blanket (i made it btw), to watch after-work-cartoons... and I wake up almost 2 hours later, not realizing I had fallen asleep. Then for the next few hours before I make myself go to bed, I bounce back and forth from couch, to chair, to computer desk, to couch, to chair, to couch, computer desk... then it's about 1230am and I have to get up in about 5.5 hours to get to work... Something's wrong with me.

I'm listless, restless, yet tired and lethargic. My brain is fuzzy and it's hard to concentrate at times. I still see those damned little black/silver flashes at the edge of my peripheral vision... and nothing's there. I see shapes while driving home (mostly at night) that I swear to God are things... people... animals... spirits... I don't know. I feel strangely excited at times, almost super anxious, with that tight feeling in my chest, with this odd lingering feeling something is going to happen, this faint cloud of dread just hanging in the background... for no apparent reason. My mind skips and jumps from one topic to the next, making it hard to respond to people when they ask me a question because I have to reign my mind in to organize a thought to say. At my DBT class, and even at work, when my instructor/MOD asks me a question, I have to pause and stare off into space for a moment while I smack my mind back into cooperation so I can answer their damned question.

This all started about a... a month ago. Before Monday's big incident. I was seeing my psychiatrist for my then 3 month check-in, and I told her about the seeing things out of the corner of my eyes, and the feeling of "heightened excitement", even borderline racing thoughts, and my doctor said to keep an eye on it, since it could be my body has finally adjusted to the 112.5 mg of Effexor XR I've been on. And it is a slight stimulant, so it could also be playing little stimulant games with my senses. Well... after this week's little incident... I'm going to tell her that it's not just the Effexor bumping up my senses like Wolverine or something. Especially with how foggy and intangible my mind has been lately... that's not a good sign. I've also been pouring over my DSM-IV-TR to see if I can find some possibilities... but not to any luck. If meowvatar is right in her assumption/suggestion and this might be a Thought Disorder or an Axis I issue... then I'm up a creek without a paddle. I don't know those as well as the Anxiety or Mood Disorders (both of which I'm diagnosed with). Axis I disorders are more clinical (physiological) in nature, so they need tests and all those fun things to figure out if there's something physically wrong with my head. I had a CT Scan on my head two years ago, when I was having a lot of migraines in a short period of time, and my (normal) doctor thought that maybe there was something structurally off with my brain; but the CT scan showed nothing structurally (physically) wrong... so... I dunno. Can something like that change that much in 2 years? Or do I maybe have a more serious diagnosis than Major Depressive Disorder, Recurrent, Moderate, w/ Anxiety NOS. (Yeah, I remember my diagnosis...)

*dug out my DSM-IV-TR* Ahem... I am... (as close as I can get it without consulting my psychiatrists' files on me...)

Axis II    296.33     Major Depressive Disorder, Recurrent, Moderate
             300.00     Anxiety Disorder NOS (Not Otherwise Specified)

*le sigh* My head hurts.