I have four weeks at most to get "immediate and consistent" results for Member Card numbers, email captures, and gift card sales, or I'm gone at Barnes & Noble.

Yep. I may get fired in 4 weeks because no one wants to buy a Member card for $25 (um... economy still sucks) and people are paranoid about giving out email addresses (they don't want more spam!), and no one's thinking of getting gift cards yet because it's just November or they're going the cheap gift route this year (see aforementioned economy note).

Never mind that I've put in 4 years of my life into this job. This job has driven me insane (literally, there's a file somewhere), caused insomnia, mental breaks, anxiety attacks, and depressive states, but I still came back after every episode because I love my job. I love helping people find books, telling them about my favorite authors and books, and seeing the joy on a little kid's face when they get their own book in their own bag and carry it out of the store. Never mind my great customer service skills, dedication to the company, rapport with customers and fellow employees. Never mind that.

I may not have a job in 4 weeks because I can't get the insane percentage of Member card transactions corporate has declared we must get in this economic shitstorm. And never mind that one week were I got  .97% I was on customer services and barely touched the register.

Whatever. Fire me and the numerous other employees at my store who do their job well and get it done right, who are trustworthy and have been with the company for 1+ years. Fire them and hire people who may or may not live up to what you demand out of your employees. An interesting note: Out of the last crew we hired for the summer, I think only 5 stayed? And we had hired about 7-10? A lot of them just stopped showing up for work, or just didn't hack it for some reason. Yeah. Have fun hiring about 15 new people and keeping maybe 6? Maybe. That's a nice gamble my store, and Barnes & Noble likes to play. I hope all those new hires work out (sense my bitter fiery sarcasm?).

So yeah. Fuck you, Barnes & Noble. I'm going to hit up Target and see if they're hiring. Because I sure as hell know I can't meet those insane standards for numbers they believe we can get. No matter what new way I phrase the same old questions, I won't get that Member card. No one wants to spend extra money now. I hope my store laments firing me, and I know they will.

parts x-posted to

bn_booksellers

picture ganked from lele244

I mean, I'm grateful for what the medication has done to me---for me. I've been stable---consistently stable---for the last 3 years. But when I look back at what I used to do, creatively, back all those years ago... I feel something is missing. It didn't take hours of procrastination and debating and bargaining to want to write or draw. I would sit at the computer and type for hours, nonstop, without writer's block. I'd draw for hours... I can't really remember the last thing I drew within the last... 4 years. I don't draw anymore. It took me 4 years to finish Magic & Madness, true part of that time I was having the hardest phase of my depression and had to be partially hospitalized for a month... but it took me 1.5 years after that to finish the book. I feel that creative spark is... not gone.... but muffled. Hidden under a snuffer.

It just makes me think about what I'd be doing, what I'd accomplished without the medication.

Kiera likes to help me knit. And when I say help... I really mean she likes to attack the yarn coming off the ball or out of the skien and eat it. And when I say eat it, she just noms on it. So if I don't catch her in time, I come across long sections of yarn that are soaked with kitty saliva. Thaaaaanks, Kiera. You really don't need to help mommy knit anymore. However, she does like to attack the ball/skien when it moves on the floor as I knit away. Kiera's new nemesis is my yarn ball. She stalks it and tries to figure out if it really is alive when I'm knitting, because it moves in time to my rocking chair. So Sunday night, I was knitting and watching movies, and she was inspecting my yarn ball, as normal. Her nose had to have been about 2 inches from it, and she was staring at that thing with an uncharacteristic amount of attention. Then I decided to jerk on the yarn leading from the ball to my actual knitting, to see if she'd pounce on the ball like she always does.

Nope.

I jerked on the yarn and I swear to God, that cat had an aerial lift of about 6 inches and moved backwards a foot from that ball of yarn. Her long fur was all spiked out and her eyes were as big as saucers. And instead of consoling her, I laughed my ass off in my chair, going into my long-dormant "squeaky laugh" and I had tears streaming down my face. It was the funniest damned thing I had seen in a long time, and I regret that I didn't have a video camera running to catch it to show everyone online. Oh lord, that was too damn funny.

I found a large bag of random remnants of yarn in the basement (at my dad's). It's a whole bunch of Crayola Crayon colors of bright primary colors and some fun pastely shades in between. I shall add them to my Movie Scarf. I really need to measure that thing and keep track of how long and heavy it is, and how much it grows each year. I've been working on it for a little over a year now (I started it the week after I moved into my apartment), and it's freakin' huge. I love that thing!

So some of you may know that I had a rough time this past weekend. Well, things are better, after calling in my sister and BIL for reinforcements. Things are looking better now, but not after slipping back a few steps on the progress scale. Oh well. If happens. I hadn't had a rough night like that in a long while, so I think I was overdue for one. What's Murphy's Law again... anything that can go wrong, will?

[if you see a long scratch on my arm... don't worry about it.]

So I just got IM'd by this random ass person who said something in Latin... and I responded with a "right... I don't speak Latin" and they shot back with a "who is this?" and I said "Well, you texted me first, so I should be asking that" and their response was "no i didn't" to which I said "yeah, you did" which got a "yeah, whatever" which got their ass blocked. I hate when I get random ass people IMing me and playing that I started it. Yeah, right. Asshole. I should have asked, "well, if I texted you first, what did I say?" and see what started it. I know I get randomly phished by porn shit on my Yahoo IM... I should just disconnect that. And I'm not even online when they IM me there. Assholes. All of them.

( Cut due to excessive swearing )

And I'm horribly behind on the book for the Romance Book Club at work. The second book we're reading is Dark Lover by J.R. Ward. So far it's interesting... kind of starting out like Master of Surrender, where I'm not a big fan of the main male character, but he's slowly starting to grow on me. But I've been in such a freaking funk lately, that I haven't been in the mood to read it. I'm so far behind... *le sigh* I'll read what I can tomorrow before I go to the meeting... and we'll go from there. Oh well. Life happens. I'm in charge of the new book for the next meeting, and I chose In the Midnight Hour by Patti O'Shea. I've had this book for a year or so... so I figured: "What better book to pick than one I already have?" It sounds like a good action-romance book, and it has a "sequel", In Twilight's Shadow, where it's in the same world as the first one, and the characters are somehow connected to the ones in Midnight Hour. So yeah, we'll see how far I get with that. And I have some other books to finish, like the H.P. Lovecraft collection, Moongazer, and The Amazing Book of Useless Information... blah. Oh well. Whatever.

I should get home... I have so much shit to do... *le sigh* Maybe I'll go get my hair cut and eyebrows done tomorrow... I love getting my hair cut... I have this weird affinity towards my hair being combed, touched, whathaveyou, and having people work with my hair always calms me. And it'll make me feel pretty.

Okay... I'm done...

bah.

... Don't try to fix me, I'm not broken. Hello, I'm the lie living for you so you can hide..."
Hello by Evanescence.

I swear to God something is wrong with me. Really honest to God, wrong with me. For the last two weeks I've been exhausted. But strangely restless all at the same time. I get home from work, sit in the glide chair, but only stay there for maybe 40 minutes because I'm tired of moving and shifting in the seat trying to find a comfortable position. Then I move to the couch, curl up with some pillows and my fire blanket (i made it btw), to watch after-work-cartoons... and I wake up almost 2 hours later, not realizing I had fallen asleep. Then for the next few hours before I make myself go to bed, I bounce back and forth from couch, to chair, to computer desk, to couch, to chair, to couch, computer desk... then it's about 1230am and I have to get up in about 5.5 hours to get to work... Something's wrong with me.

I'm listless, restless, yet tired and lethargic. My brain is fuzzy and it's hard to concentrate at times. I still see those damned little black/silver flashes at the edge of my peripheral vision... and nothing's there. I see shapes while driving home (mostly at night) that I swear to God are things... people... animals... spirits... I don't know. I feel strangely excited at times, almost super anxious, with that tight feeling in my chest, with this odd lingering feeling something is going to happen, this faint cloud of dread just hanging in the background... for no apparent reason. My mind skips and jumps from one topic to the next, making it hard to respond to people when they ask me a question because I have to reign my mind in to organize a thought to say. At my DBT class, and even at work, when my instructor/MOD asks me a question, I have to pause and stare off into space for a moment while I smack my mind back into cooperation so I can answer their damned question.

This all started about a... a month ago. Before Monday's big incident. I was seeing my psychiatrist for my then 3 month check-in, and I told her about the seeing things out of the corner of my eyes, and the feeling of "heightened excitement", even borderline racing thoughts, and my doctor said to keep an eye on it, since it could be my body has finally adjusted to the 112.5 mg of Effexor XR I've been on. And it is a slight stimulant, so it could also be playing little stimulant games with my senses. Well... after this week's little incident... I'm going to tell her that it's not just the Effexor bumping up my senses like Wolverine or something. Especially with how foggy and intangible my mind has been lately... that's not a good sign. I've also been pouring over my DSM-IV-TR to see if I can find some possibilities... but not to any luck. If meowvatar is right in her assumption/suggestion and this might be a Thought Disorder or an Axis I issue... then I'm up a creek without a paddle. I don't know those as well as the Anxiety or Mood Disorders (both of which I'm diagnosed with). Axis I disorders are more clinical (physiological) in nature, so they need tests and all those fun things to figure out if there's something physically wrong with my head. I had a CT Scan on my head two years ago, when I was having a lot of migraines in a short period of time, and my (normal) doctor thought that maybe there was something structurally off with my brain; but the CT scan showed nothing structurally (physically) wrong... so... I dunno. Can something like that change that much in 2 years? Or do I maybe have a more serious diagnosis than Major Depressive Disorder, Recurrent, Moderate, w/ Anxiety NOS. (Yeah, I remember my diagnosis...)

*dug out my DSM-IV-TR* Ahem... I am... (as close as I can get it without consulting my psychiatrists' files on me...)

Axis II    296.33     Major Depressive Disorder, Recurrent, Moderate
             300.00     Anxiety Disorder NOS (Not Otherwise Specified)

*le sigh* My head hurts.

Finished Death Note 12 tonight. Wow. I'm glad I stuck with the whole series. At times it did drag on for a few too many volumes, but overall, a good manga. Yay. The last volume did surprise me in how it ended, with the main character kinda going a little insane towards the end. But it was kind of inevitable, considering that he was using a shinigami's (god of death) notebook to kill people and considered himself the new god of justice of the world. Neat. Now I can fully devote my manga focus to Claymore. Finished Claymore 3 tonight as well... since I had the time... *le sigh*

( Oh... crap. )

Here's to a better tomorrow.

Don't ask me where that came from. It's 210 in the morning, and I should be asleep, given that last night I was up until about 2am and I got up at 7 this morning. I should be in bed.

But I'm not. Why? Because I was reading The Irresistible Revolution by Shane Claiborne. I've had this book for over a year (I bought it not too long after I started working on the book floor last summer), and it's been on my bookshelf since, getting buried in my ever-growing piles of books. Well, I finally broke down and read it. I've been having a bit of a faith quandary... well, more like a faith FUBAR phase for almost a year now. I've been struggling with my faith, where it went, did it ever leave? Was it ever here? Am I meant for this while "faith in Jesus/God" thing?... it goes on. I've become very disenchanted with the church and the institution of the church... too many rules, politics, egos, focus on the material things of the church building... but not who the church is, and why we are there. For those of you who have known me a long time, you know I've never been a big fan of church. Most Sundays you'd have to wheel my bed into the sanctuary to make sure I get there.

( Beware: Some quasi-stream-of-consciousness and spiritual discoveries )

And all of this come to my mind after reading three chapters of that book. And 45 minutes later... I still haven't gone to bed. I was going to stop reading and go to bed so I don't totally waste tomorrow... but I guess I needed to get some of this stuff off my mind now.

Eh... I don't work tomorrow, and I really don't need to be anywhere until 6pm... one more chapter won't hurt... ^_^

Last night I had the most emotionally draining dream... nightmare?... in a long time. And it gets weird towards the end.

( Welcome to me head... )

Yeah. Welcome to my world. I bet the brochure never mentioned that.

Edit: [1240am]: Dug out the dream dictionaries...

( Analyzing... )

So today was an interesting day. I really wasn't here. I mean, I was, but I wasn't... does that make sense? I'm not sure either. I was just kinda... eh. I really didn't want to be at work today. We're doing this HUGE store overhaul right now, and lots and lots of sections have been moved around, so we're all relearning where stuff is in the store, which is kinda annoying. Although I'm happy they did this now and not four weeks from now when I'm in Portland. I would have shot someone if I came back and my store was all flipped on its ass. But overall the overhaul of the store is going well, and I'm remembering where stuff is now. So yeah. Had stupid customers today. This group of teenage boys were in the store, and first we were wondering why they weren't in school, and second we were wondering if we could kill them. They had one of those super bouncy Super Balls and were bouncing it off the shelves in the teen section. Teresa went and told them to knock it off. Then they went and camped out in the newly expanded sci-fi/graphic novel section, for an hour or so. I went the bathroom and walked by the sci-fi section and saw the three boys sprawled out on the floor, and one of them was actually laying on the floor. So I decided that if he was still laying on the floor when I got out of the bathroom, I'd tell them to sit up and not lay down. And what do you suppose happened? I got to tell them to not lay down. I really said "I'm going to have to ask you to not lay on the floor. It's a safety hazard." They looked at me as if my head was on fire, but shuffled their little scrawny butts to sit up. On my way to other grand adventures, I ran into my friend Lynn and told her that if she had a moment she could go check in on them to see if they were still sitting up properly. She happily agreed. *sigh* And it begins... the invasion of snobby punk-ass Eden Prairie teens has already started.

( Deep stuff )

I also realized today that if I guy wants an easy way to get me to fall for him... home cooked dinner, a slightly chilled blush wine, and Michael Buble playing softly in the background. Yeah. I'd be puddy in your hands, boy. ^__~

Fluffage from thefridayfive

My life would not be the same without this...
1. song/movie/book: "Fly Farther" by Jars of Clay
2. person: Phil, my Big Brother!
3. place: It's a tie between CSP and St. Louis
4. event: December 10, 1999
5. self indulgence: Pajama Pants

I'm not sure why I did it tonight. I was driving home from my DBT group and I just got more and more... numb. I really couldn't feel anything. Just empty and blank. I knew I needed to feel something. All throughout the DBT group tonight I was just spacing out and not really paying attention. My mind was just... wandering. Not really thinking about anything particular. Just... wandering. About as close to blank as I have ever felt in a long time. I'm surprised I was lucid enough to drive home tonight, given that it was slushing (it was snowing, but the ground was too warm so it just melted). But I got home. And the first thing I did was get changed from my work clothes, sit in front of my computer, try to distract myself with checking emails, LJ, Myspace, etc. But I grabbed my scissors instead, opened them up wide and slashed the blade over my right arm. A few times. And I actually remember thinking "This isn't really doing much..." but then I accidentally sliced my thumb pad over the blade and it sunk in deep, and I let out a loud "Fuck!" Which was ironic, to say the least, because I wanted to feel something, but that wasn't it. That hurt, but the angry slash I have on my arm didn't. But now it's starting to hurt as feeling has returned to me.

I'm not sure what's wrong with me. I know I shouldn't do this to myself. I'm mutilating my body to feel something. But now I've gotten past the "freak out" stage of where I'd be screaming and sobbing after seeing what I had done to myself. Now I'm just more annoyed. Annoyed at the scars on my arms and my legs. My SIB has spread to my shins now. I think I have explained this before, but I have really dry skin (thank you, Eczema) and in the winter it gets worse. So my legs itch. And I scratch them. Beyond when the itching has stopped. Beyond when the hurt has started and ended. I itch until I hear that sickening squish of flesh and when my fingernails are red. Yeah. Lovely, no? My shins are a scarred mess of dry flaky skin and angry red scar tissue. And it's getting worse. No matter how much lotion or creams I put on my legs and arms, they are still itchy, and just asking to be scratched. Now I scratch my legs even when they're not itchy. I just need to. I think it's replaced the actually cutting... until tonight. It's kind of scary now... how eh I am towards it all. I see the new slash on my arm and I'm not mad. Not scared, sad, distraught like I used to be. Now I'm... annoyed. Not because of what I did. Not because I have another scar. But because I'm going to have to hide this from my family and see how long it takes them to notice another line on my arm. Maybe I'll throw them off a bit because this is on my right arm now, and my other 4 are all on my left arm. Yeah.

Something's wrong with me. And... I really don't care.

I just got done looking up the main symbols in my dream from the previous post in my dream dictionaries... only two of them, not all three... hehe. Because I'm a dork. And I like to figure out if there is anything more to my dreams than just something interesting to watch while I sleep.

From my Goldberg dictionary:

Angel: strong belief in a higher power, no attempts to alter destiny, also a successful marriage
I do believe in a higher power... although at times as of late, I have been doubting His presence in my life. I do try to alter my destiny, to at least get an idea of what the devil I'm supposed to do with my life. And the only marriage in the future is my sister's, and I hope her's is successful!

Demons/devil: maybe a sign of an easy future; more likely to be tempted and seduced by a negative force.
I don't think that things in my life are too easy, lots of stuff I have to work for. I don't really think I'm being seduced or tempted by anything... *shrug*

Swords: if the dreamer is carrying a sword, will rise to a position of great dignity and respect; if others are carrying swords, warning of serious disputes.
I'm not rising to too high of a position of power, but people at work like me a lot, and compliment me on doing a good job and being a joy to be around a lot, so that's nice. And my friends like being around me. So I guess that could be a great dignity. I'm not sure of any disputes right now... other than my cousin being a bitch about stuff around my sister's wedding, but that's really all her stuff she needs to deal with, not anyone else's.

Mother: to dream of your mother, symbolizes wisdom, honesty, generosity, and a successful married life; to dream of a deceased mother predicts grief and dishonor.
Well... okay. I'm not getting married anytime soon, but my sister is, so I hope her marriage is a good one! And I hope that when/ifever I get married, it's a good one too! I'm not sure how I feel about the dishonor and grief coming because I dreamed about my mom. I do that alot, and I'm not sure of any dishonorable grief coming my way. But still... not a good sign.

Stranger: if wearing black, warning of depression and a bad period in the dreamer's life.
Well... I am depressed. Have been on-and-off for 7 years. So, nothing new there. Not sure what the stranger Daeomon guy was wearing in my dream... but I think he was wearing something that was mostly black... *shrug*

Battle: a struggle with difficulties that will end in victory.
Yay!

Romance/love: unmarried woman dreaming of love indicates marriage in the near future.
Again, my sister is getting married in a little over a month... other than that... not in my near future!

I didn't get much else from my Miller dictionary, but I did find some more stuff about angels, devil, and mother. So I'll put those here:

Angel: Prophetic of disturbing influences in the soul. Could also warn of love/money problems. If dream of angels is unusually pleasing, will soon hear of friends' good health, and/or receive legacy from unknown relative.
Okay... yes.

Devil: Beware of associating with devil in dreams. Always forerunner of despair.
Oh... lovely!

Mother: To have a conversation with her means you will soon receive good news about something you have been anxious over. T o have her call to you, means you are derelict in your duties, and you may be pursuing the wrong course in business.
Uh... still not good stuff about mother. Mental note: don't dream about moms. ^__^

SO yeah. That's all. My eyes are getting all weird... so I'm going to finally call it a night.

I think I've finally come up with some reasons why I'm the way I am at this present moment in time. Let me es'plain some.

( Deep thoughts... about how I killed Jack Handy )

This has been a very eventful week for us, hasn't it? Well, my brain's functioning a bit more now, so I'm going to explain some more about stuff, to put minds at rest and to assure people that I'm alive and well... for the most part. :)

But first, to lighten the mood, some fun stories from work about cute kids...

( The blessing and curses of kids )

And now to the "funness" I know we've all been waiting for. The following is an email I sent to my dad and sister Thursday night from my cousin Erica's house. My cousin and I had a long conversation about my depression, my little incedent on Monday, and the future plan of action that needs to be into motion for me to get out of my depression. I haven't edited or modified the email. I thought about adding to it, filling out more of my thoughts and feelings from Monday night... but... ugh. I don't want to go back there again. I'll just give you the email. That's all the info and indepth you need to go.

( Email. )

I would like to thank all of you my friends, here on LJ and those not, who have showered me with love, support, kindness, and just... being there through all my shit with this. I'm  not sure where I'd be right now if it wasn't for all these awesome people willing to stick by me and help pull me through. I would like to thank nyghtewynd for offering his sympathetic ear and supportive shoulder to me that night, and for staying up with me to just talk about whatever. I want to thank cowpatch for her txt msg at 430 in the morning, to show her concern... you did wake me up, but that's okay, friend. :) And to mater_dolorosa, calmingsilence, jilrani, grace4cyn, lotrchica, and psychologizer for all your support through emails, IM convos, and unheard thoughts, feelings and prayers. I'm so blessed to have a group of friends who will be there for me no matter what, (even some I've never met!) and always prove me wrong when I think "I shouldn't call them, I don't want to bother them again with this shit." Thank you for proving me wrong again and again! I love you all!!