Kiera likes to help me knit. And when I say help... I really mean she likes to attack the yarn coming off the ball or out of the skien and eat it. And when I say eat it, she just noms on it. So if I don't catch her in time, I come across long sections of yarn that are soaked with kitty saliva. Thaaaaanks, Kiera. You really don't need to help mommy knit anymore. However, she does like to attack the ball/skien when it moves on the floor as I knit away. Kiera's new nemesis is my yarn ball. She stalks it and tries to figure out if it really is alive when I'm knitting, because it moves in time to my rocking chair. So Sunday night, I was knitting and watching movies, and she was inspecting my yarn ball, as normal. Her nose had to have been about 2 inches from it, and she was staring at that thing with an uncharacteristic amount of attention. Then I decided to jerk on the yarn leading from the ball to my actual knitting, to see if she'd pounce on the ball like she always does.

Nope.

I jerked on the yarn and I swear to God, that cat had an aerial lift of about 6 inches and moved backwards a foot from that ball of yarn. Her long fur was all spiked out and her eyes were as big as saucers. And instead of consoling her, I laughed my ass off in my chair, going into my long-dormant "squeaky laugh" and I had tears streaming down my face. It was the funniest damned thing I had seen in a long time, and I regret that I didn't have a video camera running to catch it to show everyone online. Oh lord, that was too damn funny.

I found a large bag of random remnants of yarn in the basement (at my dad's). It's a whole bunch of Crayola Crayon colors of bright primary colors and some fun pastely shades in between. I shall add them to my Movie Scarf. I really need to measure that thing and keep track of how long and heavy it is, and how much it grows each year. I've been working on it for a little over a year now (I started it the week after I moved into my apartment), and it's freakin' huge. I love that thing!

So some of you may know that I had a rough time this past weekend. Well, things are better, after calling in my sister and BIL for reinforcements. Things are looking better now, but not after slipping back a few steps on the progress scale. Oh well. If happens. I hadn't had a rough night like that in a long while, so I think I was overdue for one. What's Murphy's Law again... anything that can go wrong, will?

[if you see a long scratch on my arm... don't worry about it.]

Last night I had the most emotionally draining dream... nightmare?... in a long time. And it gets weird towards the end.

( Welcome to me head... )

Yeah. Welcome to my world. I bet the brochure never mentioned that.

Edit: [1240am]: Dug out the dream dictionaries...

( Analyzing... )

... to my interview for the Bargain Lead position. Ack! I'm kinda nervous. Last night as I falling asleep, I was psyching myself out, telling myself that I deserve this promotion, I deserve to get the position; I can handle all the new responsibilities and tasks that come with the new position; that I shouldn't back down from it because it might be a little harder or involve more things than what I'm doing now. That's why I'm going for the promotion! I'm tired of just being a cashier. Of just doing customer service stuff. I know I can handle the responsibilities and the duties of the Bargain Lead.

I was basically using all my DBT skills of positive thinking, and telling myself that I'm not my illness. That my depression won't get in the way of me living. I've done that too much for too many years, letting my depression dictate what I think I can and cannot do. I've been doing great over the last year... given where I was a year ago... So yeah. I mean, this July 17th will mark the 1 year mark of what was my last day of PSJ after being in partial-hospitalization for a month. Considering where I was last year at this time, and how my progress has moved up steadily over the last few months, I think I'm ready to actually show people what I'm made of...

And now I have to go get ready for the day. I have a chiro appointment before work... then... work. ^__^ Wish me luck on my interview! I'm going to kick Kelsey's dred-locked ass!!

First it was the big section move at B&N. And then a promotion of my friend Diana to the new Children's Department Manager. And Jeff to new Head Cashier. Yay! Then our CRM Jo is leaving us to go work for the St. Paul Chamber Orchestra. Then... Friday. Some majorly bad mojo was going down at Barnes & Noble Friday. Our store manager was calling people into his office left and right, and even at one point I guess they were banning people from going into the break room itself! (our break room is connected to the managers' office) So... we knew some major crap was going down. And surprisingly... no one was talking about it. Normally there's two or three people who let little juicy bits of shop gossip slip and then within the span of a work day, everyone knows. Not this time.

( The shiteth hath hitteth the faneth )

( Some pleasantries )

( The Tale of the Molten Butt Cake )

So yeah... some major stuff happening right now. Oh, and it's less than 2 weeks until my sister gets married! Squeeeeeee!

I'm not sure why I did it tonight. I was driving home from my DBT group and I just got more and more... numb. I really couldn't feel anything. Just empty and blank. I knew I needed to feel something. All throughout the DBT group tonight I was just spacing out and not really paying attention. My mind was just... wandering. Not really thinking about anything particular. Just... wandering. About as close to blank as I have ever felt in a long time. I'm surprised I was lucid enough to drive home tonight, given that it was slushing (it was snowing, but the ground was too warm so it just melted). But I got home. And the first thing I did was get changed from my work clothes, sit in front of my computer, try to distract myself with checking emails, LJ, Myspace, etc. But I grabbed my scissors instead, opened them up wide and slashed the blade over my right arm. A few times. And I actually remember thinking "This isn't really doing much..." but then I accidentally sliced my thumb pad over the blade and it sunk in deep, and I let out a loud "Fuck!" Which was ironic, to say the least, because I wanted to feel something, but that wasn't it. That hurt, but the angry slash I have on my arm didn't. But now it's starting to hurt as feeling has returned to me.

I'm not sure what's wrong with me. I know I shouldn't do this to myself. I'm mutilating my body to feel something. But now I've gotten past the "freak out" stage of where I'd be screaming and sobbing after seeing what I had done to myself. Now I'm just more annoyed. Annoyed at the scars on my arms and my legs. My SIB has spread to my shins now. I think I have explained this before, but I have really dry skin (thank you, Eczema) and in the winter it gets worse. So my legs itch. And I scratch them. Beyond when the itching has stopped. Beyond when the hurt has started and ended. I itch until I hear that sickening squish of flesh and when my fingernails are red. Yeah. Lovely, no? My shins are a scarred mess of dry flaky skin and angry red scar tissue. And it's getting worse. No matter how much lotion or creams I put on my legs and arms, they are still itchy, and just asking to be scratched. Now I scratch my legs even when they're not itchy. I just need to. I think it's replaced the actually cutting... until tonight. It's kind of scary now... how eh I am towards it all. I see the new slash on my arm and I'm not mad. Not scared, sad, distraught like I used to be. Now I'm... annoyed. Not because of what I did. Not because I have another scar. But because I'm going to have to hide this from my family and see how long it takes them to notice another line on my arm. Maybe I'll throw them off a bit because this is on my right arm now, and my other 4 are all on my left arm. Yeah.

Something's wrong with me. And... I really don't care.

I think I've finally come up with some reasons why I'm the way I am at this present moment in time. Let me es'plain some.

( Deep thoughts... about how I killed Jack Handy )

Don't ask me where that title came from. Just accept it as it is. Although I'm not sure if waiter is spelt with an O or an E. Hmmph.

So sometime this week I get to start some new training funness with Jo, our Community Relations Manager (CRM) at work. What exactly I'll be doing, I'm not sure. I heard a little rumor that I'm going to be trained in to be able to authorize returns and do stuff with institutional/corporate accounts and stuff. Which will be really cool! My little informant, who will remain nameless because I'm not sure they should have told me, said this extra training is happening because I'm always working the main cash registers in the morning, and I'm always there; and I guess it's because I actually know what the hell I'm doing. Hehehe. So I'm excited to get this extra training. I want to do more at B&N than just be a bookseller. It's my hope that sometime in the next year or so, if the opportunity arises, to be able to work up to being a lead of some sort. I'd like to get more experience and more responsibilities at work (and also more pay) because I know I can handle it if I'm given the chance. I'm pretty sure that this new training I'll be getting from Jo won't really result in a pay raise... but... here's to hoping! (crosses fingers)

I'm working on a new comic now, and it's called I Love You A Latte, and it's set in a fictional cafe that I have used in other stories of mine. Get it... a lot... a latte, and it's in a cafe! Ha! It's sad sad coffee humor that I've picked up from working in coffee shops for the last three years. I've been working on it at work while on my breaks, and my coworkers seem to be excited about getting a new comic from me. They really enjoyed my other two comic ventures: Bargain Section and Bargain Section: Holiday Edition. I hope they like this one too. Other coworkers are asking if they can be featured in the new comic, and I can only say that I'll try the next time I crank out a Bargain Section comic. My new one, I Love You A Latte is more on the dramedy-fiction side, so not much satire on the retail business in this next one. I need to work on it more, because it's not getting done as fast as I'd like. Especially if I want to talk to The Source and Star Clipper about carrying my comics again. I guess I could give them more of Bargain, but I'd like to have more variety and stuff. I also need to get working on my stories, finishing them and also getting them printed off. While walking around at work (cuz it was stupidly boring!) I was hammering out a plan to print out Through the Woods and how to make that all work. And I think I have a decent way to print it all out at my house, and then just go to Kinkos to have them bind it together in book form. Hell yeah! Cheapness! Hehehe. Oh yeah, I also need to finalize a cover for that too. Ick. And I neeeed to get a different name for The Coven cuz it's just not working anymore for me. We'll see what happens. I know this week I need to start working on my newly plotted-out chapters and stuff. My self-imposed-ban-from-computer phase I did this last two weeks needs to stop! I have to sit at my puter to type! Ack! (Anyone who wants to donate a nice laptop to the Cracked Spine Books company, let me know! ) ^__^

This week I don't have DBT group on Tuesday because of some mid-module break thingy. Which is fine by me, cuz then I can get home and work on stories and stuff after work. I'm pretty happy with my DBT group. If you're interested, you can hit up the group at HopeAllianz Inc. At times though, I feel like I don't belong there, because to me I'm doing really well now. I'm balanced, I haven't felt this stable and positive in months.... if not years. So when I go there, and the other women in the group are talking about their problems (jobless, homeless, abusive parents, psycho ex's, single parent, etc.) I just sit there and go... "Damn, my life is really great compared to this. I... shouldn't be here. I'm normal compared to this." But then I remember all the times when I told myself that before, when I thought I was stable and normal, then all hell would break loose. Right now, though, I feel like this stable phase will last for a pretty good length of time. The only thing that I'm trying not to think about is my money situation. I know if I spend too much time dwelling on that, I'll start slipping down and spiral. I really don't need that now. I've got a nice little pile of bills stacking up, one over $500. Yeah. And when you make only $7.75/hr that equals maybe $230/week. Yeah. Ouch. But, tomorrow I'm going to be attacking that pile and mailing things out. I should have done that tonight, but I fell asleep on the couch watching CSI reruns on Spike TV. Hehehe.

But one big thing that I've gotten from my DBT group is something called DEAR MAN. It's a combination of steps that help you be assertive and get what you want, without being aggressive or passive. And it works. I've used in on a few people at work (customers who were being stupid) and even my own family! I recently used it on my cousin, when I called her and she brought up the topic of planning my sister's bridal shower. Due to stupid meddling by her older sister, things got a little confusing and out of hand when she was calling people and planning things she shouldn't have. So my cousin, Erica, and I had to do some damage control and stuff. And since that incident I've been still anxious about the bridal shower, and still feeling like it had been taken away from me. So I used the DEAR MAN approach with my cousin by 1) acknowledging their actions/feelings (I appreciate you for setting up time/place for the shower), 2) telling them how I feel (But I feel that this shower, which is for my one and only sister, was taken away from me), and 3) telling them what I want (I'd really like to have more control over the shower planning in the future). And awesomely, Erica told me that I had it all the while, and that I was freaking out about it more than I should have. She told me that it's not going to be a big circus (like what is was looking like when my elder cousin shoved her nose in our business), and that I have control. So there. Hehehe. Even though my perception of the situation was a little skewed, the outcome was still positive and it all worked out in the end. Yay for DBT!

If you're not familiar with DBT, check out the first DBT link I have one paragraph up. From what I've been lead to believe, it was started as a therapy treatment for those with borderline personality disorder, bipolar, and schizophrenia. It also works well with people who suffer from Self-Injurious Behavior (SIB). Which is why I was referred to the DBT program. So far it's been working. I haven't SIB'd in a while... except one day at work. >__< I wasn't thinking, was a little off edge, and then all of the sudden I realized I had been digging my thumb nail into my arm. Oops. Nice little gash there. My dad asked to check on my arms one night, the same day I did it, actually. I told him I was just scratching my dry skin. He looked at me oddly, then I lifted up my jean pant leg and showed him the scarred mess that are my shins. I'm still working out a label for what I do to my shins. Not sure if it's SIB or if it's just this weird obsession I have with scratching. I have Eczema, so the dry air of winter just sends my skin into chaos. So I scratch and scratch and scratch... and bleed. I do the same thing with mosquito bites. I scratch those till they bleed, then they don't bother me again. So... yeah. Not sure if my legs are early SIB or what. Although now I tend to scratch more, even if I'm not itchy.

And if you're interested... ( I'm not hidding anymore... )

I finished that Cutting book by Steven Levenkron tonight. It was very insightful and helpful. I highlighted a lot of stuff in there that I hope others who read it will find helpful. I know it was helpful for me to read it and know that other people who are cutters feel and think the same things (or have a lack of feeling/thinking) that I do. I gave the book to my dad tonight, and he kinda figured that when he saw I had it and was reading it that he should read it, too. I told him he could, but he didn't have to. So we'll see what happens with that. Now I'm going to work on the Self-Esteem Guided Journal (by Matthew McKay, Ph.D, and Catharine Sutker) that I bought a loooooong time ago... back when I got out of the Prairie-St. John's program back in July. I kinda forgot about it, but I found it tonight when I was digging around in my desk. It's a 10 week program, and you have daily journaling assignments... and I did one tonight. I guess this week's lesson is on judgement and not judging others. Which is a good skill to have. I'll hopefully remember to keep y'all updated on how that goes.

I also have decided that I need a vacation. When I get back to work on Friday, I'm going to ask whoever is in charge of time-off and scheduling how much vacation time I have for this next year. And the best part is, it's paid vacation. I had a lot of it from last year... that I didn't even know about!! So I only got like... 20 hours of vacation time in before it disappeared. So I'm going to have to make sure I use it before I loose it. And I'm still debating over where I should go for my travel. Its' still a toss up between Ottawa, ON; Portland, OR; or Elberta, AL. I mean... Ottawa has Greg and the whole foreign country appeal. Portland has my lovely friends psychologizer and Sarah. Elberta has my Big Brother Phil and his wife Shiloh. Just... too hard to pick!! I think I might do what grace4cyn suggested back when I posted this quandry back a few months ago: do all three. If I time it right, save up money, and travel at the right times of the year, I can get cheapie tickets to all three places. I mean... if I went to Ottawa in January, I can get round trip tickets through Travelocity.com for about $399+tax. That's not too bad. I haven't checked out the other places yet, but I will. Although... I might go to Alabama in January for a birthday present to me... and tickets through Travelocity are only $354+tax. Not bad at all... I really don't care where I go now... all I know is that I need a vacation. I need something. Maybe Bonnie has it right... I just need to move somewhere, and get a new perspective on things. She thinks I should go to Ottawa and pursue something with Greg... hehehe... (that has possibilities...) but I'm toying with maybe going to St. Louis again... Phil and Shiloh (and little Phillip Barrett Evan) will be back there next summer... soo... yeah. We'll see. I guess that's all for now.

This has been a very eventful week for us, hasn't it? Well, my brain's functioning a bit more now, so I'm going to explain some more about stuff, to put minds at rest and to assure people that I'm alive and well... for the most part. :)

But first, to lighten the mood, some fun stories from work about cute kids...

( The blessing and curses of kids )

And now to the "funness" I know we've all been waiting for. The following is an email I sent to my dad and sister Thursday night from my cousin Erica's house. My cousin and I had a long conversation about my depression, my little incedent on Monday, and the future plan of action that needs to be into motion for me to get out of my depression. I haven't edited or modified the email. I thought about adding to it, filling out more of my thoughts and feelings from Monday night... but... ugh. I don't want to go back there again. I'll just give you the email. That's all the info and indepth you need to go.

( Email. )

I would like to thank all of you my friends, here on LJ and those not, who have showered me with love, support, kindness, and just... being there through all my shit with this. I'm  not sure where I'd be right now if it wasn't for all these awesome people willing to stick by me and help pull me through. I would like to thank nyghtewynd for offering his sympathetic ear and supportive shoulder to me that night, and for staying up with me to just talk about whatever. I want to thank cowpatch for her txt msg at 430 in the morning, to show her concern... you did wake me up, but that's okay, friend. :) And to mater_dolorosa, calmingsilence, jilrani, grace4cyn, lotrchica, and psychologizer for all your support through emails, IM convos, and unheard thoughts, feelings and prayers. I'm so blessed to have a group of friends who will be there for me no matter what, (even some I've never met!) and always prove me wrong when I think "I shouldn't call them, I don't want to bother them again with this shit." Thank you for proving me wrong again and again! I love you all!!